Wednesday, September 1, 2010

yume speaks: return to innocence

return to innocence
It's been awhile since I last posted here...perhaps, I was going through the same stage as this site-a sudden period of drought and famine followed by a slow and gradual nourishing and why was I gone for a time? before I answer that, I'd like to WARN those who are not into morbid things to STOP reading now and I'd like to further inundate that although this site was born for love of beauty(beautiful boys to be exact*evil laugh*) I also wish it to be a site for discussions on "dangerous" or rather sensitive often taboo topics I wouldn't dare talk with just anybody for fear of condemnation. Let it be known also that I'm not trying to rain on anyone's parade and I am overjoyed at this site's revival...

So, why did I disappear for a time? well, real life caught up to me and bit me in the bum badly lol :D..kidding aside, I went into depression and started wanting to die AGAIN...I know it's a sin to even think of suicide, a part of me knows it does not solve my problems but the nothingness and oblivion it offers are so tempting, it gives me rest from all the things that haunt me...I cannot justify nor can I make anybody understand what goes on in my mind,why did I even consider death an option to my problems or why others before me who killed themselves ever thought ending their lives would solve anything...However, I do have a few notions about it which might not be very popular...

Suicide is the act of willfully killing or ending your self/life..I don't want to make pathetic excuses for myself and disgustingly try to justify my actions but I do have reason why I wanted to commit such an atrocious act...People want to kill themselves for various reasons, mine was so that I can sleep forever and not have to force myself to live this life...The struggles of life are daunting and sometimes seemingly impossible...I wanted to end a vicious cycle of mistakes which I have incurred, I wanted to end what I deem a futile existence but God had other plans I suppose and perhaps, I never truly wanted death just a sanctuary, a place to rest..Looking back, maybe what I most wanted was to be born once more, to be given a new chance at life, to do a few things all over again and to do them right...He thought,Yes, I know suicide cannot obtain from me that which I truly seek for but at the very least, I can cease my tedious endless struggle to live...

So what stopped me? I cannot truly answer that but due to a series of fortunate events and amazing people I got a grip on myself, I realized that death wasn't what I really wanted but a rebirth, a reclamation of myself before it got tainted...a return to innocence...^_^


  1. interesting entry. i guess this also makes us 'dangerous'. don't worry though, i think that all of us have moments like this though there are a lot who have strong will power to suppress such thoughts. you are not alone yume >:D<

  2. hmmm... i might have an entry similar to this one as well. we'll see :D

  3. thanks hime...cant wait to read your posts :D

  4. yume-chan, why didn't I knew bout this thing happened to you? *That's because, michiru, you didn't asked yume about it... sigh*

    as for the morbid stuff, i don't know if i could contribute to that one... maybe I should leave it that to you hehehe

    welcome back yume-chan ^^

  5. michi :hugz: were both in cebu but wa pa ta kita...lets def meet :D


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